Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
