I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
