First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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