tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
