Can i not drive my cunt home
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
