his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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