Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
