what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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