dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
