Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
