life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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