I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
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hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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