i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
