you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
