the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
