dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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