I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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