But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
