Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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