I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
