Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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