you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
