i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
