They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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