if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
my poor anus
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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