She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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