Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
