Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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