we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
