I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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