I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
