i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
