I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
