I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
