i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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