My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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