I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
