I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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