There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize
