I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he fucked my hip out of place.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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