So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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