Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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