so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
