The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
