just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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