So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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