tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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