My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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