i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
