I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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