I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i believe in u and ur pee
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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