...so i touched it.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
