I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
