Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
