Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
