Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
