my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
