she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
How naked do you want me to be?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
