my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
