got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
