Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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