Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
