Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
