It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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