Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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